January 25, 2010

Mrs. Lonely

I know that that title may inspire thoughts of the hit song "Mr. Lonely" by Akon; that's where I got it from, but the central line and sentiment of the song is the "I have nobody to call my own." Such is, thankfully, not the case with me, and yet somehow I feel like it. I live alone . . . I mean, sure, I have roommates, but I don't know very much about them, and they don't know much about me. J got into a really good university for her post grad; she didn't tell me though. T's probably going back to the States soon, seeing as she doesn't have a valid passport anymore, P has a new boyfriend, and G started working again. And what am I doing? Well . . . not much. Needless to say, I feel pretty alone here, and I really shouldn't, because I do have people.

My mom is my best friend; with her I don't feel pressure to perform in any way, there are no hoops to jump through. Now, begad, we don't always have the perfect relationship with her, and I'm not always honest with her, but I love her. She's one of the few people I feel smart talking to; I know I'm relatively
intelligent, but that often doesn't come across when I meet people and being a total social reject, I end up looking stupid by comparison. With Mum, I never feel that way. We've come to rely on each other since my Dad left, and for better or worse, I am who I am because of her.

My sister Em is six years younger than me, and as you can imagine, that often causes problems, but not so much now as it used to. I don't hate her nearly as much as I did because I don't have to be the mum now. Em took it hard when my Dad left, and it's resulted in severe depression; she tried to commit suicide 3 days after my 15th birthday at the age of 9, and we've been walking on thin ice ever since. I love her, and I care for her deeply; I think we've moved past the stage where I think she's ruined my life.

My best friend, A, is Australian and one year and one day younger than me. When I first met her; I hated her. She was younger than me, girly, and annoying as hell. Then in grade 10 as my current best friend started drifting away and I was having my first troubles with a boy, A and I got to talking. I suppose we've been talking ever since I realized that really we're not that different; we're often called twins. I don't know if we're than much alike or if it's just that we sanded off the rough edges and met in the middle. She's having a hard time lately, emotionally, and my not being physically there for her is really hard for both of us.

And then there's my boyfriend JW (though I might call him JP sometimes). We've been dating for a little over a year and a half, and though he's two months older than me he's a year below me in school. He's also Korean, which provides a lot of interesting senarios. For example, I don't know exactly when we met (we were at the same tiny school, you can't really hide from people), but I do know I started liking him as we furiously whacked volleyballs at each other; its a passion we both share, and its also something we're both very good at. He asked me out to the end of year dance, and that's when it started. We kept going through the summer and the following year, and this year when his parents moved him back to Korea, I was really happy to have him with me. I trust him, which is really hard for me to do, especially with a guy.

This morning when I checked my e-mail, I had 7 in my inbox. The only one that had any relation to me was one from JW. He keeps me sane, but sometimes, there's a weird confluence of events and I get nothing. No daily dose of love and reaffirmation of my connection with home from any of my friends and family. I have two other best friends, BBR and KM, but they're both in Uni and so busy they don't e-mail. I've kind of given up on them. Am I crazy to look forward to a full inbox? Or pathetic to look sadly at my phone when I don't have any e-mails? I suppose I am . . . I just miss the people I've left behind, and if any one of them suddenly leave me, for whatever reason. . . I'm going to be flapping in the wind.

Honestlythough, I suppose right now I feel like an Island. An Island with a drawbridge down and all inviting that no one will take the effort to cross. Something for further discussion I'm sure.


No comments:

Post a Comment